We Have Always Done It That Way

Why is everyone afraid of conflict? Board, members, committees, staff groups, leaders, followers””the one thing they all have in common is that they are afraid to confront each other with conflicts or significant differences in opinions.

For example, an association executive recently asked advice from colleagues on a listserver about what to do about a committee co-chair who had “done a lot of work”¦but stepped on lots of toes and caused extra work for staff.” The incoming president was suggesting not reappointing this person as co-chair.

Instead of dealing with the conflict, the first response is to end the relationship. Unfortunately, this response is typical. At all levels of associations people bury conflict. They hide it. They ignore it. They pretend it isn’t conflict. They lie about it. If it gets really bad, they raise the stakes and take actions that simply remove the possibility of the conflict emerging again (e.g., ending the relationship). Anything but confronting it head on (like, for example, having a candid conversation with a volunteer about how his behavior is upsetting other volunteers or staff).

It is true, of course, that everyone has had experiences of being in conflict where the situation got uncomfortable, tense, maybe even painful and frustrating. That’s why we run the other way. But remember””just because conflict has been unpleasant, doesn’t mean it always will be. Conflict is a natural part of every single human system, so instead of trying to avoid it (which is impossible), how about learning how to deal with it more effectively?

It isn’t rocket science. It takes a little bit of knowledge and perhaps some skill development, but mostly it takes the courage to simply try a new approach. Start small on the less “important” conflicts, and as you make progress you can tackle the bigger issues. But above all, start. The cost of ignoring conflict can be overwhelming.

When conflict is avoided, the real issues never get out on the table. A pattern will then emerge in your association where the “norm” is to hide what you really think (or at best vent about it at the water cooler). So at meetings, people talk around the difficult issues, retiring to their offices without a clear sense of what was agreed to or what they should do next. In fact, in cultures where conflict is routinely avoided, being “accountable” becomes quite difficult, and results suffer””all because we were afraid to deal with conflict.

So it may feel like it would be less painful to avoid that conflict, but don’t be fooled. In the long run you will suffer more by avoiding it. Start paying attention to the conflict in your association. Notice where it happens and notice when you and others avoid it. Then start the work of changing the pattern, and prepare yourself because the first step in changing the pattern will be for you to try dealing with your conflict differently.

Tags: The Way We Work Together, Leadership, Staff Issues, We've Always Done It That Way //